My top 10 irritatingly useless baby purchases

Before giving birth i did what most expectant mums do – scour the internet in a frenzy finding lists of ‘what to buy a new baby’. It was a stressful time, there were so many lists and each was slightly different to the last. How were you meant to know which one to trust?

So I did what any normal person would do in such a situation and compiled my own all singing, all dancing super spreadsheet, amalgamating every item on every list. I then colour coded the cells for what i has already bought, ordered or still needed to get. Yes i did do that. I really, really did.

When i emerged from the hysterical, hormone induced fog and realised that retail outlets do not all immediately shut down following the birth of your child, i came to see that it is possible and even recommendable to buy things as and when you need them. There is very little that you do actually need and quite a lot that you really rather don’t. In particular: –

1, A teeny tiny pair of flip flops for a 6 month old – I did buy these. I am very, very ashamed of myself. Guess what – 6 month olds do not walk and even if they did cute flip flops are certainly not the ideal choice of footwear to learn in.

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2, A top and tail bowl – Unless i am missing something isn’t this just a plastic bowl? I was supposed to use it along with the copious amounts of cotton wool balls i bought for fear anything else would burn our baby’s bum off. Until someone said ‘Why don’t you just use wipes?’ –  Why didn’t I just use wipes?

3, Baby cook books – Might as well have just fed them chicken nuggets from the word go.

4, Baby towels: –
Sensible me: Um don’t you already got towels?!
Pregnant me: I do yes but…but…but they don’t have a cute duck hood!
Sensible me: Do you imagine our baby will flip out if it has towels without a cute duck hood?
Pregnant me: CERTAINLY YES!
Fetus: She is right I will got bat shit crazy if you dare dry me in anything other than duck hooded towels!

5, Baby oil – only useful if you need to grease up a baby in order to squeeze them into or out of a small space. I guess there is always the possibility that this may happen, but as yet it hasn’t.

6, A Bumbo – It made my babies angry. They were not pleased with the different view point, they just arched their backs and tried to flip out of it in a rage. Maybe it would have been best to be a tad patient and wait a couple of weeks for them to sit up of their own accord.

7, Ewan the dream sheep – He promised sleep, he did not deliver it. I now hate Ewan. I also hate everyone on Amazon that convinced me to spend 30 sodding quid on him. I wish I bought a nice juicy leg of lamb instead. Plus is it just me or does he look proper shifty?

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8, A baby bath thermometer – I guess it could be useful if you believe your internal temperature gauge to be so inept that you might boil your newborn alive.

9, A nasal aspirator – Ok maybe smaller babies are fine with having snot sucked from their nostrils, but once they have control of their arms? Oh I’d rather not go back there thank you very much *shudders*

10, A Hypnobirthing book – Unfortunately the image of my cervix opening like a flower was well and truly stamped on by the image of lovely pain numbing drugs coursing through my veins.

Oh and as a side note, once you’ve dipped your toe in the water it feels a shame not to go the whole hog. I can highly recommend you try a shot of post birth morphine if you think you might enjoy feeling like a Care Bear prancing around in the clouds.

Did i miss anything?

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73 thoughts on “My top 10 irritatingly useless baby purchases

  1. Honest Mum

    Hilarious and yes to all the above bar the Bumbo which my first child ADORED (second not so much)…. I actually remember spotting the craziest of items in a baby catalogue after having my first child-things like magnifiers on the end of baby scissors to see baby fingernails better and two mirrors for your car so you can drive and see your kids in the back (I nearly flipping bought that shizz too)-my calmer husband talked sense into me! Loved this post x

    Reply
  2. Rachel - 3yearsandhome

    This made me laugh and thank the lord that I had both boys in Switzerland … the land of practicality and no nonsense. I’ve never heard of top and tail bowls. What the hell??? Some genius must have made a bloody mint from that idea.

    Reply
  3. suzanne3childrenandit

    I’m ashamed to admit that I did in fact own a few of these…..namely the top and tail bowl. As you say, a glorified washing up bowl! I have to disagree on the baby towels though, nothing cuter than a baby wrapped in a towel with a duck hood. Come on, don’t deny me that!

    Reply
  4. franglaisemummy

    Having had our first daughter in France I didn’t have a clue what topping and tailing was. Erm, I still don’t as everyone expected me to know with daughter number 2, born here. I just bathed the same French way I was taught to with daughter one in France. I’m sure they’re both scarred for life now. Bumbos can be good though – daughter one loved it, daughter two hated it. And snot suckers are great – the satisfaction of getting it out, ooh! Maybe I’m a tad OCD at times…. Yet another fab blog post lovely xx

    Reply
  5. Boo

    haha this is brilliant. Love the Ewan the dream sheep one. I would add any baby shoes what so ever up until 5-6 months. AND do baby nasal aspirators actually work coz the one which came in the Tommee Tippee kit certainly doesn’t!!!

    Reply
  6. Mummy Tries

    Very funny post :-) definitely agree with most of this list! Adding the word baby to a product is like adding the word wedding, gives the manufacturer carte blanche to triple the price!!

    Reply
  7. mummystodolist

    Love this! Made me giggle knowingly. Our second child arrived three weeks ago and the top and tail bowl is once again sitting unused in a cupboard. Still slightly wary of burning the wee sprog’s delicate poopy cheeks with wipes so the compromise is Water Wipes! Agree that Ewan the Sheep looks shifty!

    Reply
  8. Del

    Zo-li baby nail trimmer. Recommended by a couple of friends. Meant to grind the nails down safely and without irritation. FANTASTIC! No accidental cuts on baby’s tiny fingers! The problem was it was so slow to use that by the time you got done with digit number 10, number 1 had regrown and the baby had woke up from a full nap. Time to bust out the baby nail scissors , get it done in 5 minutes, and then take a precious nap yourself.

    Reply

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