Category Archives: Family

A Family Portrait For July

Oh well this is a crap iPhone job to be honest. I just got a passerby to take a quick photo, the littlest is asleep and the older one isn’t looking at the camera. I considered going out to take an alternative but it depicts such a lovely day that i wanted to use it anyway.

We are so lucky to live where we live but sometimes we whinge about the house prices, tiny garden and the bloody seagulls waking us up at 4am (even when i am asleep i dream of conducting a mass seagull massacre with machine guns); still when we can draw ourselves out of our own misery we remember that life is good, very good at that. We also remember how good it is to spend a bit of time being tourists again…

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Hell hath no fury like a kid who prefers someone else’s spade

It’s summer and it’s a good one. Well I say good although its starting to feel a bit bad, because it’s getting rather relentless, It’s too HOT all the time. I’m sorry. How terribly British, to get a wonderful burst of weather and complain about it.

But you see It’s like being on holiday except all the best bits have been removed –  no pool, no cocktail of the day and no kids club conga to come and take the small ones off your hands for a couple of hours.

Just lots of hot and lots of kids. And kids + hot = hot kid rage.

You try to do something nice like take them down to the beach but everywhere you look there is rage – sun cream application rage, someone else has a better bucket rage, hat rage, inflatable envy rage, sand in mouth rage, stone in Croc rage, someone holding your head under water for 20 seconds rage and flying ant landing on your arm rage (ok that one was me but!!!! get off my arm).

It always amazes me how many parents persist in negotiating with the rage, ain’t no body got no time for talking in this heat. Best to just stand well back and repeatedly hurl ice-cream until everything goes silent.

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Should we be worried about baby milestones?

You can find a million and one web pages and books dedicated to listing what your baby should be doing and by what age. It’s almost as if people spend more time reading about milestones than they do actually trying to teach their kids the required skills to achieve them.

Mum: I’m panicking, I’m panicking! he should be clapping by now!
Other person who talks sense: Don’t worry all babies do things at their own pace.
Mum: But people are going to think he’s stupid!
Other person who talks sense: Well what does he do when you show him how to clap?
Mum: I don’t know because I spend all day on BabyCentre freaking out. Surely they just learn it from cbeebies anyway? They never seem to stop bloody clapping on that (true).

What i don’t get is why people are so concerned with all the boring, run of the mill milestones anyway. Yes clapping’s nice but I’d much rather have a timeline of events detailing when they might start to f*ck me over.

To be honest I couldn’t give a rats arse when my son masters the pincer grip, how about someone tells me when he will start nicking money out my handbag?

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What will he be when he grows up?

I was watching a TV documentary the other night and it started to reel off a list of personality traits that seemed oddly familiar: –

  1. Unconcern for the feelings of others
  2. Unnecessary risk-taking or impulsive behavior
  3. Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms
  4. Very low tolerance to frustration
  5. Incapacity to experience guilt
  6. Marked readiness to blame others
  7. Superficial charm

I repeated them to J and asked him ‘Does that sound like anyone to you?’

‘Yep sounds like F – why?’

‘Those are the personality traits of a SOCIOPATH!!’

[Laughter]

‘He’s 3 – most 3 year olds are like that surely?’

‘I guess so but do most 3 year olds ask stuff like…

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A Family Portrait For June

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Things lately have been hectic but lovely with lots of trips and visits in June. With the World Cup wanderer now returned we had a day out at a national trust place (Nymans) on Wednesday. It was our first full day as a family of four for quite a while and we were blessed with more wonderful weather.

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Our football pizza party

From time to time mummy gets asked to review things on this blog, usually she can’t be arsed. Her policy is to say yes to alcohol, food or holidays so when Domino’s contacted her and asked her to hold a football pizza party she was all like ‘great that will be one dinner i don’t have to cook then.’

The biggest worry when you get take out is always – are you sure you got enough?!

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Lets get stuck into the kronie then!

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Piles of stuff and boxes of crap

We have an incredibly organised filing system in our house for important documents and miscellaneous items. It goes a little something like this: –

  • The lift up lid box (aka foot stool) – lint rollers, tea lights, dusters, broken sunglasses and the digital thermometer
  • The kitchen scales – nail files, keys, clip safe things, bits of lego and used batteries helpfully mixed with new batteries
  • Kitchen table – magazines, nursery day sheets, unwritten thank you cards that will never get sent, gaffa tape and the latest Toys R Us catalogue
  • Blackboard key tidy thing – parking permits, chalk, safety pins, blue tack, party invites, hair bobbles and Calpol sachets
  • By the Printer – generally just a huge stack of various papers including bills, forms that need filling out, to do lists, the kids ‘art work’ and seasonal related goods such as the a panini world cup sticker album
  • The ‘to file’ box –  important documents that needs to be filed
  • The actual file – a bunch of old documents that need removing from the file so that stuff that actually needs to be filed, can be filed

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7 top tips for a child free holiday

With hen do’s and impromptu girls weekends thin on the ground now most of my friends are mid 30’s there is less of an excuse to wangle a night or two away from the kids. That is unless your husband is massively indebted to you for the fact he will soon be buggering off to Brazil for 10 days (I may have mentioned this a few times).

Anyway In part payment me and one of my best friends sauntered off to Spain for 3 nights which was the longest either of us had left our children. I had wondered if we might miss them a bit – we didn’t. Here are a few tips to planning a guilt free break: –

1, Drink on the plane – revel in the fact you don’t have hand luggage stuffed full of Goodies oatey bars, a bra full of raisins and small people jumping up and down on your crotch. Consume as many small bottles of fizz as possible – just cos you can.

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A Family Portrait For May

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I like to try and take our monthly family portraits somewhere that will have a memory attached, a holiday, day out, birthday or special event. It seems to make them that bit more special when i look back.

These ones were taken on holiday in France, at the poxy ruins no less. A holiday that wasn’t actually a ‘holiday’ as such, but it’s one that we will be much more likely to laugh about, than forget.

We’ve had an alright month I think although I can’t really remember much of what we have done, except that it culminated in a nasty sickness bug. I had thought that looking after two sick children was pretty close to hell on earth until i experienced the flip side and was the one who was ill. Dealing with the tears, trauma’s and putting up with my body being used as a human climbing frame whilst trying not to puke was pretty special. I have never been so glad to be back to normal self the last couple of days. Oh and to be back on the gin of course, a bank holiday with no gin was just plain wrong.

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