Our football pizza party

From time to time mummy gets asked to review things on this blog, usually she can’t be arsed. Her policy is to say yes to alcohol, food or holidays so when Domino’s contacted her and asked her to hold a football pizza party she was all like ‘great that will be one dinner i don’t have to cook then.’

The biggest worry when you get take out is always – are you sure you got enough?!

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Lets get stuck into the kronie then!

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Piles of stuff and boxes of crap

We have an incredibly organised filing system in our house for important documents and miscellaneous items. It goes a little something like this: –

  • The lift up lid box (aka foot stool) – lint rollers, tea lights, dusters, broken sunglasses and the digital thermometer
  • The kitchen scales – nail files, keys, clip safe things, bits of lego and used batteries helpfully mixed with new batteries
  • Kitchen table – magazines, nursery day sheets, unwritten thank you cards that will never get sent, gaffa tape and the latest Toys R Us catalogue
  • Blackboard key tidy thing – parking permits, chalk, safety pins, blue tack, party invites, hair bobbles and Calpol sachets
  • By the Printer – generally just a huge stack of various papers including bills, forms that need filling out, to do lists, the kids ‘art work’ and seasonal related goods such as the a panini world cup sticker album
  • The ‘to file’ box –  important documents that needs to be filed
  • The actual file – a bunch of old documents that need removing from the file so that stuff that actually needs to be filed, can be filed

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7 top tips for a child free holiday

With hen do’s and impromptu girls weekends thin on the ground now most of my friends are mid 30’s there is less of an excuse to wangle a night or two away from the kids. That is unless your husband is massively indebted to you for the fact he will soon be buggering off to Brazil for 10 days (I may have mentioned this a few times).

Anyway In part payment me and one of my best friends sauntered off to Spain for 3 nights which was the longest either of us had left our children. I had wondered if we might miss them a bit – we didn’t. Here are a few tips to planning a guilt free break: –

1, Drink on the plane – revel in the fact you don’t have hand luggage stuffed full of Goodies oatey bars, a bra full of raisins and small people jumping up and down on your crotch. Consume as many small bottles of fizz as possible – just cos you can.

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The happiness thieves

”Becoming a parent has defined me; I am the happiest i have ever been.”

This is the sort of stuff people say out loud in public. This is the sort of stuff you hear in interviews or read about in glossy magazines – but is it actually true?

What if you don’t feel that way? What if you were happier before?

I watched a really interesting TED talk the other day which was about encouraging honesty in parenting and dispelling some of the most popular myths – one of which was that people often wax lyrical about how happy they are since they became parents.

They looked at four (yes four!) independent studies tracking individuals happiness over the course of their marriage and you can see the findings below. The green line is the average result.

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TED – Let’s talk parenting Taboos by Rufus Griscom & Alisa Volkman

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A Family Portrait For May

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I like to try and take our monthly family portraits somewhere that will have a memory attached, a holiday, day out, birthday or special event. It seems to make them that bit more special when i look back.

These ones were taken on holiday in France, at the poxy ruins no less. A holiday that wasn’t actually a ‘holiday’ as such, but it’s one that we will be much more likely to laugh about, than forget.

We’ve had an alright month I think although I can’t really remember much of what we have done, except that it culminated in a nasty sickness bug. I had thought that looking after two sick children was pretty close to hell on earth until i experienced the flip side and was the one who was ill. Dealing with the tears, trauma’s and putting up with my body being used as a human climbing frame whilst trying not to puke was pretty special. I have never been so glad to be back to normal self the last couple of days. Oh and to be back on the gin of course, a bank holiday with no gin was just plain wrong.

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The hiding stuff you really need game

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Aim: To right royally f*ck up the day/week/bank balance

How to play:

  • The oldest person is usually the seeker (it is possible to reverse this rule but its kinda akin to sh*tting on your own doorstep)
  • It works best if there are 2 or more hiders – one non-verbal player who can’t be questioned and one verbal player who can be questioned, but doesn’t give a rat’s arse
  • The best objects to hide are vital to the planned activity of the day i.e keys, phone, passports, shoes, sanity etc
  • Essentially hiders should just be incredibly, incredibly annoying. Apart from that there really are no rules.

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My holiday diary by F aged 3 and 3/4

Day 1 – We are going on a holiday. Daddy says it’s a chance for us all to relax which makes mummy snort and mutter something like ‘same old sh*t, different location.’ A thing called packing happens which seems to make everyone hate each other and random inanimate objects such as shoes and charging devices.

After we have been in the car for a bit the baby sicks up loads of big lumps of milk that stink. We can’t stop due to the motorway so we have to drive for ages with lots of crying and everyone feeling sick due to the disgusting sick smell.

When we finally find somewhere to stop mummy starts changing the baby and daddy wanders off, she says ‘you have got to be kidding me!’ He comes back later with a coffee the size of his head which mummy says is ‘bloody ridiculous’. I wonder if when i grow up, i will get angry about the size of drinks other people buy too.

We get on a boat that takes us on the sea to the France which is a place where they drive on the wrong side of the road and eat cross ants for breakfast.

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The house we are staying on sits on water. It has no wifi which is also ‘bloody ridiculous’ and causes mummy to have a tech tantrum similar to when i throw the ipad on the floor in a rage or when daddy kicks the xbox because he loses on Fifa. It means I can’t watch videos of people opening kinder eggs on YouTube. This sucks.

I can’t sleep because i don’t understand how a house can be on the water and not be a boat. I have to ask for clarification 37 times before i can properly relax.

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What makes a good parent…..

Simple, the basis of all good parenting is love right?

HA! They laugh in the face of love. Make yourself much more practical by perfecting these ten easy skills:-

1. You should be good at helping to do jigsaws without actually touching the pieces i.e willing the right pieces into place via mind power.

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2. You should be able to fit bigger objects into smaller objects by magically reducing their circumference on demand.

3. You should be able to attach things, with no attachable properties, together.

4. You should be in possession of an iPad with infinite battery life and unfaltering 3G connection.

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